CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

I still can’t eat despite loving food. Have globus sensation.

But I brought a lot of soups today and mash so that should keep me going alongside my liquid food.

I would buy smoothies but they’re like £5 in the shop now. And I’ll need about 6 a day. I might get a wholesale of healthy smoothies when the backpayment comes through.

Try and get my weight back up.

Just wish my brain would be okay to study normally again. It’s the one positive thing I have in life. ❤️

I’m 42kg. I try and eat but can’t I just choke on food.

I’ve been abused in so many ways so much in my life that my nervous system is trapped in survival mode. I don’t know how to become unstuck.

Men have been extremely cruel to me in the past, or messed with my head, amake them uncomfortable nd my brain automatically thinks men are a danger now.

Will that be permanent?

How do I fix that?

My recent ex has always supported me, he had severe rejection sensitivity dysphoria when we split up but I didn’t want to hurt him when I wanted to be single earlier this year.

I just didn’t know I was already on my way to developing CPTSD because I had no idea I was still suffering from standardised PTSD since 2018 and because I had a cluster of external triggers at the same time which had nothing to do with my relationship (although his friend was just mean, not abusive to me – two different things), all my traumas came back to me which confused me and everyone.

Suffered in silence with multiple PTSD attacks and then when you do get scared and you call the mental health hub on 111 in Scotland, they say “it’s for mental illness only”.

Or “personality disorder”.

I have to roll my eyes. I’m like well if this is a personality disorder then I’m Shakespeare. 🥴

I then explain the physical symptoms I’m getting as part of my PTSD and they say “you have to contact the physical 111 line as we deal with mental health”.

I’m sitting there in the wreckage thinking but when you relive traumatic events you get physical symptoms because you’re reliving those traumatic events.

Do they know what PTSD is?

I’m so confused.

PTSD is nasty. It changes the brain. It’s a horrid condition.

I can’t be with my ex partner because he has narcissist traits (he’s not and hasn’t ever been abusive to me though) but unfortunately my dad has real NPD and ADHD like my ex partner who has ADHD. It means it would be dangerous for me to stay in that relationship. Although I can keep my recent ex stable on a level that is healthy for him because that was my role growing up with my dad.

And I struggled with connecting in relationships anyway since the emotional abuse incident in 2018.

So yeah I haven’t made the best choices when it comes to men in life I will admit. But my recent ex we got along because my dad has NPD and similar traits and I brought my dad up. It’s important to note not all narcissistic men are abusers. Healthy narcissistic people thrive in life – it’s relational to success.

So I’ve been trying to push him away romantically but he still wants me. He doesn’t realise he’s an external trigger because of my dad despite doing nothing wrong and this obviously flared up his ADHD and RSD. I’m hoping a woman comes along and looks after him because it can’t be me. 💔

It will be too dangerous for me to stay with him because of my childhood. Generally nothing to do with him. But he messaged me tonight and said “my gonk, can we meet up yet”. If Carl Jung’s theory works then yeah. If only.

But to me? He’s never been abusive. I will admit I thought it was him at first when my brain changed, but you would if you have a father with real NPD who can’t recognise his actions. The police in England get fed up with him because he contacts them all the time to try clear his name everytime he’s convicted of a crime and compares himself to Donald Trump – he said to me “me and Donald Trump are the same person” – I said yep you’ve definitely got ADHD and NPD from childhood trauma – they can co-occur. ❤️ especially since his other children are diagnosed with ADHD – I know I have the inattentive type. It’s caused me difficulties in my childhood personally and that’s why I speak in the first person a lot. The only issue I have is because my dad caused my CPTSD unintentionally, I have ADHD too so I’m now a trigger of myself. Yep. 👍 Can’t get any more unlucky than that. Because my dad has NPD too.

So this is my dad’s personality: he loves Trump. Worships him. Thinks he’s the best thing to happen to the world. I said yep, you are ADHD that’s where your kids get it from. Trump has ADHD and has no idea. His NPD traits are from childhood trauma. It’s a form of PTSD.

Also my dad is dyslexic so yes Trump has ADHD. That’s why it made me laugh when he said we need to find a cure for Autism. I thought omg you don’t know you’re ADHD. Hitler was ADHD. But in girls you’re more creative that’s why I get accused of being a narcissist a lot. Because narcissism looks very similar to ADHD on the surface. NPD on the other hand arises from childhood trauma.

Although I will admit I have to agree with Trump in that respect, we need a cure for Autism and ADHD because it’s not nice to live with especially without the correct support so he’s not wrong, but he has it himself. That’s why I laughed. He won’t realise it. The awareness wasn’t there when he was young.

If I can have a miracle and get over my childhood trauma then yes we can get back together but as it stands; my dad has NPD. He has no awareness he has NPD and I’m constantly switching between my mum and my dad because neither of them communicate the truth to me. But they are both very vulnerable. Especially my mum because deep down she’s a loving person and been through a lot, but she had an interpersonal relationship with my dad whereas I was the caregiver of my dad. And then I realised my dad has ADHD like my brother and his whole family. And then I realised I was born with ADHD too hence I’m good at communicating with men and having relationships with men with ADHD and autism.

I couldn’t understand why my mum cut me out her life suddenly 6 years ago. It was quite sudden.

It left me questioning my own sanity.

Then I wasn’t allowed to go to my great nans funeral.

I know I’m the trigger of her CPTSD, because she got pregnant with me at 15.

That could be why.

Also with my ex because he was emotionally unavailable that was healthy for me so I wouldn’t need to feel anything. I prevent myself from falling for someone because of what happened with my first ex who has BPD and ADHD. Although he had a loving heart, he played with my head a a lot.

So I’ve made some decisions that really weren’t right for me in life. The issue is I avoid falling for people or if I get feelings I try numb them because it can trigger my relationship PTSD since I had my heart broken a decade ago.

It broke me badly. Now I’m trapped with CPTSD and no way out of it.