I’ve never been loved. Not in the way others have. . .
I have a father with both ADHD and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I’ve been a parent to him the majority of my childhood. Ironically, this made me wounded. I also have a mother who is the exact same, although they blame each other. I just roll my eyes and think – God, please give me strength. You both have ADHD. So do I, but at least I am aware of it.
I was avoidant in school, would seek out relationships with older men, although thinking back I always wonder why men over the age of twenty-five would have been interested in a 14 year old child. I felt like an adult at that age. Year by year my confidence was diminishing, my outlook on life scattered. Forming close relationships with others seemed impossible. I was more stable alone.
My mother has always disliked me for as long as I can remember. I had multiple emotional flashbacks recently of all the things my mother would say to me:
“If I didn’t have you at 15, I’d be able to go to university and achieve things in life. Your dad ruined that for me”.
“You have BPD, I don’t understand it”.
“Why couldn’t you have been more like your siblings”.
“I never said that”.
“Sorry I’m the worst mother in the world”.
“You should be grateful for what I have done for you in your life.”
“You don’t deserve to be that skinny”.
“I hate your guts, just like your father”
The truth is, my mother is a narcissist too. She doesn’t see it. I’m the child she chose to hate and drive a wedge between me and my siblings. Imagine having the power to convince a whole town that I’m mentally unwell rather than severely psychologically abused since birth. She acts charming in front of her friends and has a circle of close friends who have always disliked me in some way.
The question is, does my father really have NPD, or is NPD the result of unsupported neurodivergence in childhood? I’ll explain further in the blog. I’m running some private psychological experiments. I think there is a link between Narcissism and ADHD. I just need to find a way to prove it.
I will always have learned narcissistic traits because of my parents. They’ve always called each other narcissists, when in fact, they both have ADHD. No wonder my CPTSD scores are at 100/100.
This is my therapy blog. I can take you on a journey with me although I do advise a warning: some of the content on this blog you may find triggering and distressing. Please read with caution and look after your own mental health.
CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified 