CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

So the mental health team will be waiting a long time for me to be their version of stable. 1. They don’t know me. 2. They don’t listen. 3. They spin their own version of lies to damage my brain even more. That’s something that’s so cruel, you can’t trust people like that.

I’m grateful for the courts that understood and witnessed one of my CPTSD attacks in person which was unprecedented, although I was getting confused on certain things, I feel like the backpayment will give me some hope for the 1:1 I desperately tried to fight for since 2018, and put me on the path to recovery.

I just have to try live with it.

It’s definitely the 1800’s version of bipolar disorder.

I don’t agree with what he comes out with, but when I’m externally triggered I do that. It changes your world view when you’ve experienced too much trauma and Kanye knows it’s “not him”. You’re 10x more likely to have bipolar if you have CPTSD and 47% of Autistic individuals have bipolar disorder so it’s possible he has all three.

My PTSD on the other hand is horrendous on top.

Horrendous.

This is what abuse and trauma does to people. It damages the brain.

I’m having to book private 1:1 sessions with a specialist trauma specialist because when I tried to call for help the other day from the NHS for my mental health and the paramedic from the mental health team came out to me, two said well “it’s personality disorder”, when I’m the one that’s had to relive my traumatic events and rocking on my bedroom floor with bipolar style mood swings and feeling stuck and trapped. Not them.

I don’t think the NHS mental health system in the highlands is designed to help people.

It taught me a lot during my worst moments.

I did trust them up until I read my psychiatric nurse’s letter he wrote on the 16th December. That affected me quite bad because I was dealing with the worst ptsd attacks of my life behind closed doors and wasn’t ready to go see them until I calmed down a little but they used that against me. Because when you’re in a standard PTSD crisis you get anger, and they’ll write down that your violent despite never being violent, or they’ll write down things that aren’t true about your character and that gets stuck on your records. It’s hard to regain my trust when broken.

And then continued to use that against me.

That’s the mental health system in NHS Highland.

I can only be honest from experience.

Unfortunately people wanted to bring me down here deliberately, and it triggered all my traumatic memories back on top of what I was already dealing with. So it caused a lot of damage and I don’t think they understood what trauma does to the brain and how prolonged trauma changes it completely.

I’ll see if I can try speak to Kanye and see if my experience resonates with him. I don’t think people understand what he’s going through. He can’t say much on tv.

Even Britney Spears said trauma changed her brain and everyone’s saying “that’s not her”. It is her. Psychological abuse if prolonged enough and originated in childhood changes the brain.

My PTSD is a separate issue but I’ve got sertraline for that.

The thing with going into acting if you’ve experienced childhood trauma or psychological abuse is you’re at risk of developing CPTSD and bipolar disorder and that’s one reason why I stopped using method acting as a therapy to try and heal from my childhood abuse.

To be honest, it’s probably better to go into acting if you have no childhood trauma because otherwise you will develop mental illness or PTSD/CPTSD. Techniques they use ask you to use your most painful experiences to create another character which can split your core identity. It’s a useful therapy if you don’t try and become a different character but ground yourself to be you. Just be careful. Because childhood trauma can cause brain damage later in life. This is why most war veterans who come back from war develop PTSD when they have a history of childhood trauma. The majority who don’t come back with PTSD don’t have a history of childhood trauma.

Personally that should be a question when enlisting for war, although I hate war and wish the world would just be peaceful, the first question they should ask is “do you have a history of childhood trauma” – because they’re guaranteed to come back with PTSD. It protects them from developing PTSD.

Unfortunately mine was prolonged in childhood.

Even Demi lovato has had significant trauma in her childhood: hence her words make sense to me too.

No one sees or knows what they experience behind the screen. But words speak volumes.