CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

This sounds difficult, but I also know it’s equally dangerous, although I’m absolutely petrified. I got twitches in my face even thinking about sleeping with a man. I’m willing to try anything to get my brain and body back to this….

My weight is now 6.5 stone. I have no support network at all, and I’m having so many PTSD attacks per day, but here’s the thing.

I was raped in childhood – I can’t even have sex without my body going into ptsd attacks, or intense fear. I remember during my standardised PTSD attacks in 2018, when doctors were trying to keep me in the present moment, but I could still have sex. I didn’t know men were a trigger since. I had no idea. That’s possibly what fully lead to this type of CPTSD on top of my childhood DESNOS/AuDHD and it didn’t help some men triggering it worse externally.

What’s the way to reverse this? Graded exposure? It’s complicated. I can’t do it with my recent ex because he’s got his own issues and he’s emotionally attached to me. I can’t hurt him. Even though he’s done nothing wrong I struggle to be around him physically because of my past trauma with men. Dating abused women is a challenge for men, I won’t sugarcoat that. But I also learned not to trust when a whole healthcare organisation watched me crumble in England and were medical professionals and did nothing. Said nothing. And covered it up without me understanding why at the time.

But at the moment I feel trapped, stuck, and have the feeling like I can’t escape. I’m constantly scared and hyper-vigilant. Does any decent man want to be willing to experiment with me?

Preferably someone who’s mature, can handle severe PTSD attacks, and has experience with this sort of thing?

I know CPTSD looks like “BPD” sometimes but it’s a horrendous condition, and I’m looking to get rid of it, and I’ll try anything so my body thinks it’s safe to be around men again. At the moment I’m getting twitching in my legs, pain in my stomach.

I remember in 2018 one doctor saying “try have sex Natalie” when I went through the standard PTSD when it hit me for the first time. I thought at the time, is that an offer? Yeah because sex is going to heal trauma from a woman who experienced childhood rape. Let’s give it a go shall we? I’d personally like my brain back. Unless you want to get my body and brain back from the PTSD and keep me calm till I heal I can take up your offer if you travel to Scotland but I don’t want a relationship. Until the Sertraline kicks in. I need someone to experiment with me who’s mentally strong, is trustworthy, and knows how to handle abused women.

Otherwise I’ll forever be an Ernest Hemingway. Basically to keep me calm, so I don’t keep running to the services for help when they’re stretched anyway, just so my body can learn to be okay around men again. My recent ex isn’t mentally strong enough for that or what he would see if he tried this plan. It would just aggravate his own mental health.

The sad thing is, this was me at the age of like 13. I would bump into my rapist all the time. And then take a sip of alcohol. 🍷 Now my brains changed completely I’m like I’m glad I lived like an adult as a child because now I’m a pensioner. Only reason no one believes me is because of the BPD label. It’s a psychological thing. A bit like the bystander effect in psychology. Because of the stigma associated with the “BPD” label, it causes people to unconsciously think that you are lying about your abuse. Having this label can ruin your entire life if you’ve never had it. Trust me. There’s a reason mental health teams don’t believe me yet. It can take months. Just have to be patient. 🧘‍♀️ it took 5 months for services to believe me when I had my first ptsd attacks in 2018, it takes time. That’s when everyone started trying to tell psychology I had PTSD but no one listened.

There was something else going on prior 2018, hence I’m getting confused. But something is also new this time round, unless the CPTSD just went full tilt over time and my nervous system is slowly giving up? Who knows?

I wish the doctor who took me to the cinema in England would get in touch with me as I trusted him. If he’s still single. I don’t trust many people believe it or not. I don’t have anyone. Just people see the BPD label and automatically think we’re going to hurt them physically whilst I’m sitting there trying to pick up the pieces of all the traumas others have inflicted on me alone and scared. Because I have had multiple traumas in my life, I’m surprised my blood tests are okay despite my body looking like a skeleton.

Even writing this and thinking about men in general is sending my brain on a vibrational wave of torment.

I keep telling it to trust men again. Tapping the forehead, and my brain is like “nope, danger ⛔️”. And it wants to scream in fear with intense pain and physical symptoms. Any man up for the challenge? I don’t even like dating sites. What do I put?

I’m really unwell at the moment, I have severe CPTSD, anyone fancy resetting my nervous system? I even just went into outbursts of emotion and want to pace.

There has to be a way out of this. I just want my books back. I just want to do my education and writing and creative stuff without being stuck.

It sounds desperate, but I’m desperate for my brain and body to be healed. I need to try the law of attraction that pulled me out the PTSD the first time. I’ve used the law of attraction throughout my life to heal from things when I’ve felt like I had no escape. I don’t know if it’s going to work this time with the way my brain is.

(Now I’m worried I’m too far gone). I’ve got tinnitus and everything. I’ve had an awful life which is why I came to Scotland in the first place.

So to the doctor whose advice to me was to have sex in 2018, you come up. Your prior errors, you fix it. Reverse my brain changes. I don’t want to end up like Hemingway. I already am, but that’s not the point.

Physical symptoms I get when experiencing this:

Loss of bowel control

Heavy head pressure

Stomach gastrointestinal problems

Stomach pain.

Twitching in foot.