I just want to make something clear. I’m getting a bit worried.

Me and my recent ex had court, for things that happened to me living in England.

My ex dropped me off, and now his phones not on. I’m worried they’ll think he caused my CPTSD. When I had multiple flashbacks come up at once and it was confusing me which I don’t want him getting the blame for.

He’s done the opposite and always been there to support me whether what picture society wants to paint him. He has protected me throughout the relationship. Regardless of his personality type.

I hope he’s okay. We both have ADHD so understand each other in different ways despite having different personalities alongside. I don’t want his rejection sensitivity dysphoria being confused for emotional abuse. Hence I wanted him to have an assessment for ADHD.

I hope not.

When I’m in a flashback I feel like a past event is happening now, get perpetrators confused and my stories will not make sense because of the immense trauma I’ve had in my life and because I’ve had so many when I lived in England it can be confusing for my brain to wrap around.

And then I had all the ptsd after effects.

If I knew all my traumas would come back but with new new CPTSD symptoms as CPTSD and PTSD crosses over (it’s too confusing for me), I would have just stayed away in a romantic way.

I hope he’s okay. Last thing I need is him to get arrested for something he hasn’t done except look out for me and help me.

I’m worried. About him.

There’s a lot to unpack and I can’t do it at once hence I kept begging for trauma therapy.

Please don’t blame him.

This is why I pushed him away. I felt the first signs of PTSD occur again when I pushed him away. I just didn’t expect new CPTSD. But it was going to happen whether I liked it or not. That’s the truth. CPTSD originates in childhood. And it can hit you at any point in your life. Scotland don’t know my history yet and why things may have all come back at once.

No one is going to understand.

I have a long history of prolonged trauma from my childhood.

If he’s been arrested for something he hasn’t done I’ll be calling the police myself and explaining everything that happened to me in England and why I’m here.

He has rejection sensitivity dysphoria, he didn’t emotionally abuse me. This is why neurodivergence understanding is so important.

I’m petrified they’re going to blame him because some of these symptoms are new.

It would take about a year to read through my trauma history. It’s no wonder I have CPTSD. This is why I have to be single.

I was f*** from the start. I just wish it was picked up in 2018 properly. It’s caused so much damage. Damage I never wanted to happen.

Other people’s situations will be different, but mine is very very complex and I haven’t been in a fit state to collate my thoughts together in an appropriate way to be able to tell anyone when I’m switching and taking on forms and personality types of past abusers. I’ve just been confused, disoriented, and wishing my brain didn’t change. I just pray it’s not permanent.

So as long as he’s safe, it’s fine. No one understands neurodivergence and our communication styles. Whether we have different personalities or not.

I’m praying he’s blocked me or something. He doesn’t need my brain in his life the way it is.

I messed up.

They should have listened to me in 2018. None of this would have happened.

They can arrest me for untreated trauma that has just destroyed me and I was hoping it was BPD until I realised it wasn’t. I only said to the mental health teams prolonged to show why I have CPTSD. Hence my childhood records were important.

It was going to hit me. He had no part in that.

You get switching in CPTSD & PTSD and BPD. The difference is you switch when your traumas rise to the surface if you’ve had more than one abusive incident to occur.

People should read my childhood records. They’ll look at that, and they’ll think – how on earth with that amount of trauma did you not develop PTSD. I get confused with the labels because I was born neurodivergent. I know something was new this time round because I had unhealed trauma.

CPTSD isn’t a fancy diagnosis. It’s hell. Because you do get perpetrators confused. You’ve got to be so careful when dating someone who’s gone through prolonged trauma. So so careful. Because one day their brains will change. I wish I knew this sooner. I had PTSD symptoms in 2018 which does cause personality changes but I didn’t have what I’m having now. But I did have ADHD since birth. And what does ADHD and RSD look like? BPD.

But there’s so much overlap.

Just people made it worse.

Until I broke. Again but this time spiralling up into the universe. And I’ve probably got bipolar on top. Probably. Do you blame me?

External triggers are dangerous. Men should do good to not date me. I’ll keep single to protect men and I’ll try heal this traumatised brain of mine.

And my nervous breakdown.

To be honest if a case like mine was ever brought up in a court setting they’d be like

“We’ve read through your paperwork, it took five years, but don’t you think experiencing more than 80 traumas in your life is a little excessive and still thinking you’re invincible”.

Me: Well. I always thought I’d just forget about it. But it opened up like Pandora’s box. Very unintentional. Not nice to experience. I got very unlucky in life.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve got PTSD on top of PTSD on top of CPTSD on top of quadruple rammy ADHD.


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