CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

I tried to do the necessary things. Advocate for myself. Unfortunately, spiritual awakenings are so powerfully painful for an INFJ that it can kill them. You’re not positive one moment and negative the next. You’re constantly fighting for survival. Fighting for peace. Within yourself.

I needed trauma therapy to help guide me through the process, but was rejected. I was allocated the label of borderline personality disorder. A disorder I accepted in 2018, until I realised I was born with ADHD and Autism like my brother.

I get confused with labels myself because there’s so much overlap so there will be many contradictions on my blog.

I’ve now got CPTSD they refused to acknowledge which gives me a sense of unease around them. Because not only will they tear me down if I ask for their help, they’ll create a persona of me on my medical records that’s far from the truth.

And I have no voice in that.

They intentionally want to hurt me.

So my only option is to suffer in silence and isolate myself until the process is complete if I make it. I can’t guarantee it. All I know is, I’ve always fought for survival but many times as an INFJ in my life before PTSD hit, my brain has tried to have a spiritual awakening and I kept running to the doctors saying I need medication. I can’t go through the individuation process I’m not ready.

That’s how I was diagnosed with EUPD.

It’s the wrong label, and puts me in danger, but what can I do about it?

That’s why I’m rejecting the social worker tomorrow.

They hurt me. Not because I don’t want help, but because they know I was misdiagnosed and they used the one thing that would trigger a CPTSD crisis in me to try and validate the BPD label.

I need to avoid them before they can hurt me again.

I won’t ever take it further out of malice, only if they intentionally put my life in danger.

I just need to try and heal first.

When trust breaks, the INFJ walks away.

I’ll find a private therapist. Someone who is willing to help me. Not tear me down.

I’m going to tell the courts this tomorrow and explain what they’ve done. So the courts are aware why I can’t trust the mental health team. So they don’t assume I’m attention seeking or trying to label me as BPD. They’ll see PTSD attacks as my ex will be there, so that will validate their inaccuracies anyway and the judge will know so. It makes no odds what they do.

I’m still going to suffer, regardless.

I just need to find the money to get out of this toxic place. To heal properly.

I just assumed as psychologists they’d know I’m an INFJ and I was going through a spiritual awakening and have CPTSD as in CPTSD you also get temporary NPD/BPD traits. They don’t know what CPTSD is. This is where the problem is.

The only thing is, I need the social worker because I can’t look after myself. I need the mental health team to help me with the PTSD. Now it’s severe: my body has just gone into sweats with palpitations and sickness.

But then triggering it externally has made themselves triggers. Something I was desperately trying to avoid.

I need to be sectioned to go through the process with the correct support. They declined me and said I don’t need help the other day. They don’t understand I’m a rare INFJ. England knew. Hence they sent me here. They thought I’d be protected. I need assistance with taking medication, my body is frail, and I need my abdomen checked. They don’t understand the level of fear I’m in with my PTSD right now because a spiritual awakening isn’t linear.