CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

When my body flew into more PTSD attacks on top of my CPTSD, that’s when I realised the dissociative PTSD.

I had recently been spiralling downwards since May this year. Me and my recent ex partner had stopped sleeping together; mostly because of my battles with untreated endometriosis and PMDD as sexual intercourse is incredibly painful for me, combined with a history of childhood sexual abuse which can make sexual intercourse very difficult for me.

I then flew into a PTSD crisis at the same time.

This was my thoughts in that moment:

And I thought at that point – they do know how many traumatic events I experienced in my childhood right? He was lovely though, but it was a good thing it happened because otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to distinguish between the PTSD and the CPTSD. Personally I have both, but I think my BPD is dissociative PTSD or my ADHD from personal experience hence the NHS England website states it can come and go. Same as PTSD. There’s too much overlap so everything on my blog sounds like a kerfuffle right now till I actually figure it all out. Something I don’t expect mental health to do instantly.

I think of CPTSD being current.

I think of PTSD being past.

When both are interacting together, because CPTSD has the core symptoms of BPD during a crisis anyway; you’re going to see a double cluster of symptoms arise…at the same time this occurred I had a small number of external triggers in my environment which contributed to the severity of the CPTSD.

This is when I realised for the same cluster of symptoms in 2018 when my GP, and four different services said “she has PTSD” but at the time I didn’t have avoidance of men or severe emotional flashbacks of my childhood.

The mental health team for these same group of symptoms, diagnosed it as BPD. That confused me.

My body has flown into so many PTSD attacks because I have a very extensive childhood trauma history, that even writing about this now, my stomach just reacted, my head started vibrating, so I am definitely going to get my sertraline tomorrow. I need it to survive.

I don’t think I’m at that level of strength to cope without it.

I just want them to not be allowed to discriminate against BPD because many of them are victims of prolonged abuse they’ve never been able to escape from until it changes our fundamental core and creates an isolated version of our former loving selves.

Now the PTSD is complex, I need to pray and hope I survive otherwise I’ll have no choice to go for euthanasia when it becomes available for people with “BPD” like what happened to Zoraya Ter Beek who was experiencing similar symptoms in the Netherlands. The psychiatrists said there was nothing they could do and although she didn’t want to die, she went through with it when she realised there was no way out. I’m starting to know there’s no way out is there?

And I suppose this is why I was declined PIP and laughed at by the male physiotherapist for my “BPD” label in 2018 so I lost my home as had no money to live on and had to use food banks after losing my job and everything I had and I went to Scotland for a better life, only to realise, I didn’t stand a chance. Because eventually it catches up with you. Like Hemingway said.

💔

I feel like I’m living in a prison in my brain at the moment. Memory deficits despite language ability intact. Gastrointestinal distress, rocking on my floor, headaches, twitching in my body, reliving events, and the mental health team still accused me of being “emotionally unstable” recently. If they even knew what these terms mean 😢 the world would be a better place.

The issue is, you need at least one safe person to help you to try reset your nervous system that is fighting for survival. I just get too scared to take medication when I’m alone. And no one wants to help someone who has “BPD” on their medical records.

So I’m on my own, my nervous system is in shock, fighting for safety.

This is why Ernest Hemingway killed himself. He didn’t want to die. But the difference between me and Hemingway, was he had experience being an ambulance driver, he was abused by his mother which made him react against women but not out of malice, but due to mental health not being accepted during that time period and every woman he encountered was a reminder of his perpetrator – his mother, being in war, he too kept running to the doctors for various physical ailments, headaches, stomach pains, whilst others thought he had bipolar disorder, the doctors said it doesn’t look like it from the outside.

Hemingway was not an evil person, but a victim of his inescapable trauma that ultimately led to his death.

My brain is too damaged at the moment to try and find a cure for CPTSD or BPD, but if I survive this, I promise I’ll find one. If it’s the only thing I can do for humanity.

We have to try at least. Coming from someone who used to distract herself all the time with hobbies, creativity, blogging, writing, education, learning, multiple therapy groups outside of the NHS MH. I didn’t trust MH in England. Mostly because you know they throw around the BPD label like “oh just someone who is emotional, when they’re also having ptsd attacks” but if a man experienced the same symptoms, they’re diagnosed with PTSD. I’m not a strong person, no matter how I appear to be. I’ve never been a strong person. I’ve just always picked myself up until my ultimate collapse. And I was still mocked by the world around me. The same people who fight for rights for women or those who have been abused, will tear me down for already struggling and saying “well you’re the problem”.

That’s how women with “BPD” (dissociative PTSD) are treated within the system.

If I can’t fight this I’ll be setting up a go fund me to get me to the Netherlands for euthanasia rather than having to experience severe distress both physically and mentally on a day to day basis alone and in fear. The issue is “I need to be sectioned so they can try work with me to find a treatment as I’m suffering so much” but I can no longer trust them. What if they do something to hurt me whilst trying to fight for survival?

I’m not safe to be alone. It just causes issues for local services like police, ambulance, etc and when I went through PTSD attacks in 2018 the MH team said “ignore her she has BPD she’s after attention”. I thought at the time m, I wish. I wish that was the case. I wouldn’t be in so much distress or pain. If only. I wish. I’d rather it be attention based than experience what I am right now without a doubt. 🧐

That’s enough to traumatise any woman.