CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

It’s hard to trust men when you’ve been hurt by so many when you’ve always been kind, creative, independent, alone.

I brought myself up alone from a very young age. It would be really surprising not to have PTSD or CPTSD. We are only human. Anything can break us eventually if it’s prolonged enough.

They’re waiting for me to be stable, but the CPTSD is now permanent and I’ll never be happy again. Or sad. I’ll never feel emotions like other people again. I hate how intelligence remains intact with PTSD. Because you know, when the brain changes, there’s no going back no matter how hard you try.

When someone encounters far too many abusive incidents, one day – they change. And suddenly, nothing else in your life matters, except trying to keep your head above water.

He didn’t understand that. But he wanted to remind me of the event that gave me PTSD in the first place.

I can’t believe I thought I was strong enough. I never was.

I’m never going to be okay again.

They know I’m never going to be okay again.

That’s why they’ve covered it up.

They know. A bit of honesty would have been nice.

I’m a forgiving person when people don’t hurt me intentionally.

I hate trusting people when they show you reasons not to and break the only hope you had of reversing the permanent damage.

But as Hemingway said, “Most people never listen”.

He’s painting it as “BPD” whilst I have to suffer with PTSD in silence, disguising it as BPD because they know the damage is permanent.

This is what happens to women in the system.

They’re disbelieved, they try their best to live a normal life, then when they break from the abuse? They’re blamed.

And left alone to crumble even more, until there’s nothing left of them. And my memory will go, my brain will diminish over time, and they’ll slowly sit there and watch me die.