CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

Born with a high IQ your intelligence remains intact with PTSD. Which is a curse.

Because you have memory deficits. But no one notices.

I don’t even know what day of the week it is. What I’ve been doing the last 5 months.

I honestly have no idea.

I just know that I’m stuck.

They throw around the label but I didn’t get my first flashbacks of past traumatic events until 2018 and my abuse was extreme in childhood. And then I encountered more.

Now I’m complex. And no one in the NHS can hear my voice. The irony is they picked up my CPTSD when I was sectioned and then proceeded to say “no record of you being here” a month later and give me the BPD label. My recent ex said “but I asked them to so you could get help for the PTSD from England which I thought was bipolar like you at the time until you ran away from me in fear as you don’t have BPD so they’re covering something up or know something you don’t but I’ll investigate it don’t worry”. He thinks the mental health team are the ones that’s emotionally abusing me now which has triggered this next PTSD episode. Thinking about it so do I. It’s why I told him and my other exes who have been there for me to stay back and keep back whilst I’m in a crisis because otherwise I get the original perpetrators confused and I don’t want them arrested for something they haven’t done. When you’ve had so many things do get a bit confusing. Because one minute you’re reliving an event from 1996, and the next you’re like “hey, I’ve just come out of an abusive relationship” which isn’t actually now, but like a decade ago. But your brain think it’s now. What science is this?

That’s why I had like 100 missed calls off my recent ex partner when I said “Please you have to stay back. Just stay the fuck back. You have no idea what’s about to happen to my brain, no idea Steven. You need to stay the fuck back” He was heartbroken. I failed him. And myself. I mean if that’s BPD, then I’ve proved real BPD is PTSD without meaning to.

The thing is. I didn’t get flashbacks after being raped, multiple events of abuse in childhood, I didn’t get flashbacks. I kept picking myself up and just studying, working, keeping busy. I’m talking about the Real reliving the event flashbacks. Not until 2018 after I was emotionally abused. Can you have PTSD without experiencing flashbacks? I’ve always wondered that because my first flashbacks were in 2018. My first emotional flashbacks were this year. So this is where I’m confused.

That’s what’s always left me confused. It’s like I’ve had CPTSD since childhood and PTSD since 2018. Or the other way round. I have no idea. All I know is I am reliving events in 2018 and having anger outbursts and numbness and basically the standard PTSD symptoms I’m experiencing now but at such an extreme level that if I was to get a service to believe me I’d have to lower my actual score on the PCL-5 so lie and make it seem less severe than what my scores actually are.

In fact, this is probably the worst case of PTSD they’d ever see because it went unnoticed so long.

Is that even possible?

Also it is quite funny. I feel so sorry for my ex because he’s probably slagging me off to his friends to cover up his hurt. He doesn’t like to show his feelings well. But we’re both neurodivergent so this breakup has hit him pretty hard because I had unresolved trauma. I was attracted to him but I couldn’t feel because I was stuck. That’s why I didn’t love him. I cared about him. But I think this was a gradual process I suppose. And then outside external triggers intensified it until you have a whole volcanic eruption and no way out of it apart from your past events going for a space cruise in your brain with outbursts of emotion. Have you ever seen the movie Joker?

We aren’t doing this today God. I’m going to try to use my INFJ healing abilities to heal that brain and body of mine.

I don’t care. And when I do heal. I’ll be changing the mental health system.