CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

I feel guilty about exposing the people who have abused me in life, feel guilty about letting my recent ex down as my brain automatically perceives men as a danger and a perpetrator during a crisis due to my prior emotional abuse experiences and sexual violence in childhood.

I reacted against the BPD label because to me, it’s dissociative PTSD I’ve been struggling with alongside my CPTSD, bipolar disorder and AuDHD.

In 2018 I panicked. I started screaming at my brain to stop. The mental health team laughed at me in distress and said “we aren’t neurologists you know”.

I felt trapped, stuck, I stopped functioning.

They chucked the BPD label at me despite me having stable periods in between my prior mental health experiences.

I had to buy ptsd workbooks, rely on outside organisations, paramedics, hospitals and all sorts to help me who all said “PTSD” at the time.

My dissociative PTSD is in full force alongside the CPTSD.

The words my psychiatric nurse wrote created a wave of such intense fear and flashed me back to my childhood again where I was a helpless, defenceless child.

He blamed me for the prolonged abuse, took my bruises and scars and formed a narrative that I was the problem. Not the people who’ve hurt me.

That’s how he made me feel. That’s why I reacted on here the way I did.

I can prove my abuse, but I always thought my word would be enough.

When I was sectioned and the psychiatrist sat me down and said “Natalie, you’ve never had BPD, you have Complex PTSD – one final question; have you ever been violent? I said no. He said read Hemingways books because otherwise you’ll end up like that woman. You have to stay single Natalie. We are so sorry. We didn’t know what it was before so could only put it under BPD”. I forgave them for that, and I was going to sue NHS England for covering up the dissociative PTSD in 2018, unfortunately, NHS Highlands messed that up for me. I was hoping the compensation would pay for long term intensive trauma therapy. I lost my fight.

At that point I thought NHS Highlands wanted to help me. Until I read the letter from Steve. I’ve only ever met him twice for like 20 minutes each time. They didn’t know me at all. Now I’m going to lose the court case next week, not get the compensation because the courts want evidence I have PTSD to prove England covered it up next week. But Scotland will get in trouble instead for ignoring it.

That’s what broke me. And I snapped.

My word never was enough. Nor will it ever be.

And they’re going to end up killing me when I’ve been fighting for survival and there’s nothing I can do. I’m going to die whether I like it or not.

I’m making plans to end my life – I don’t feel suicidal, but I never had a voice.

The system only changes when someone dies. Sometimes you have to take that sacrifice.

I keep thinking about throwing myself off the kessock bridge, like my mums ex boyfriend did in Skye in 2019 when he went missing. Unfortunately, after what happened to my mums ex partner, my mum was begging me to go back to my dads after I went into a more simple dissociative PTSD episode. She came to Scotland to escape my dad, so why was she so persistent I go back to my dad’s when she saw me react? Her ex partner was the one who wanted me to move up to get the help I need from prior abuse. She didn’t. She then suddenly cut me out her life. No warning. No message. Nothing. When my brain changed because of the work incident in 2018 my mum kept saying “it’s her dad that’s done this”.

The thing is, my mother has always hated me, and it would put a smile on her face if I died tomorrow.

Drowning is a peaceful way to go.

My mums always wanted me dead. She might finally get her wish. I mean, she did put a knife up to my throat I remember now, when I was 9. She claims it never happened. After that I had my first poem in a book. And dissociated. So the question is, is my mother a silent killer? I’m not aware of? I think my mum has undiagnosed bipolar disorder. She knows I’ve got CPTSD and she took that label for herself to cover up her mistakes. I think my dad has ADHD, PTSD and NPD.

I just not letting them know. What would be the point? My mum will never admit anything is wrong with her.

So this is my last post before I die.

NHS Highland killed me in the end.