CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

This is why I can’t understand why my psychiatric nurse shrugged off my ptsd attacks and the previous letters from England that said PTSD. Is it anchoring bias?

Are Scotland trying to bring me down? I keep pacing in my room going through my childhood records alone trying to figure out the truth whilst re-triggering my CPTSD over and over again.

I fought hard for the system to help me before I came open about my life on here, unfortunately no one wanted to.

That’s why I got angry with the PD team.

It’s understandable considering the distress brief intervention, and multiple other services have had to go out their way to calm my PTSD attacks over the last few months.

I don’t mind abandonment, rejection, or anything like that. I don’t mind that at all.

I just have a nervous system that’s been hyper-vigilant and built on trying to survive ever since I was a young child and no one came to save me from myself.

Here’s my mums traits:

Pervasive pattern.

1. Every relationship has ended in chaos
2. She liked swinging when she was younger. Moved from place to place whenever social would get involved. Didn’t want my social services paperwork here. Although she did attempt suicide when I was 18 and I witnessed that.
3. She’s always had lots of friends/ her friends don’t like me even though they don’t know me and I never understood why.
4. She’s obsessed with her self image, always has to look nice.
5. She’s very political, she will befriend the police, politicians, anyone who will get on her side.
6. She’s envious of my achievements in life.
7. She would switch – idealise and devalue me.
8. Not once have I ever seen her have PTSD attacks like I have.
9. She will change her hair, and mimic her friends lifestyles and choices.
10. She will report people to the police all the time.
11. She smoked weed, had impulsive risky behaviour, and would jump straight into a relationship after one split up.
12. She will come across as charming, but I never understood why she hated me so much. I wrote it in a diary at the age of 8.
13. She said “your dad got me pregnant at 15, he’s an abuser” my dad said “listen, that cow lied about her age – I wouldn’t have gone near her!” The worse I’ve done is slap a woman on the bum when drunk and I got a criminal record for it when women do it all the time when they’ve had a drink, but I’ve got my own problems, I’ve gone through a lot in my life”.

There’s more, but what voice do I have anymore? I think the damage has already been done to my brain. I had sexual abuse in childhood, a ton of abuse, but I’m not strong like people think I am. My dad said “Natalie you’re a real life victim of abuse” you won’t relate to many women because a lot of women lie”. You’ve been abused in your life more than most people”.

I’m just trying to decipher the false narrative of a life I thought I knew. To try and find out the truth, now I’m stuck with CPTSD for life.

And I can’t even get the letter on time for the court next week to prove it.

I lost my fight.

I’m stuck with CPTSD for the rest of my life.

My dad said “keep a blog she can’t see”.

Post your childhood abuse paperwork on there. You’re reacting to the manipulation the way I did 20 years ago”.

I was not the problem. Vote reform Natalie. Women destroy lives but they’ll protect you. It’s not like the SNP have helped you have they? He said there’s nothing wrong with you you have been abused prolonged in your life. It’s just unfortunate.