CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

I’m in intense distress. I feel trapped. Stuck. Betrayed.

The system destroyed my brain forever and there’s nothing I can do to get myself back again.

It’s too late. My whole life is now over. I never had “emotional flashbacks” in 2018, only standardised PTSD attacks. My brain is permanently changed. CPTSD – the catastrophic personality change after prolonged trauma. Trauma I never even had the chance to escape from. The system ignored me: and now I’m damaged for life and have no hope of ever getting better.

My recent ex said “I can’t understand why they’ve done that, but you’ve actually got CPTSD, and you’ve been abused in your life, and your mother has definitely got BPD because she’s treating you like someone with BPD would – you don’t – your dad was probably reacting so if they can’t pick it up in you, there’s something far wrong. I don’t think your dad was ever the problem Gonk, sorry to say it, I think you were brainwashed”. But your mum put a knife up to your throat when you was 9, and always hated you for no reason at all, and neglected you as a child and an adult, what does that say about her more than your dad? I’d go up to her house myself if you wanted me to and ask what her problem is, I was with you 6 years and you don’t have BPD. Then my dad said “I have NPD I know but I’m not capable of what she is, and neither are you. I was violent once in my relationships when younger when struggling with my ADHD but we didn’t get help back then. Listen to Steve yeah?”

My dad said “no don’t do that because she will get him arrested for something he didn’t do, she’s a very intelligent, clever woman, you don’t know what she’s capable of. I might be what people call “narcissistic” Natalie, but your mother is not who she says she is, she’s a very clever brainwashing woman, her friends and exes have apologised to me down here, why do you think she fled to the middle of nowhere, use your brain Natalie, your mum wants to hurt you in Scotland you know, that’s why she wants you back with me so the truth doesn’t come out, she’s going to take you down and throw you over the bridge and mask it as a suicide. She’s ruined every relationship she’s ever been in, that woman destroyed my life I wish I never met her, one day you’ll see Nat because you’ll be her next target up there because she’s jealous of you and she’s capable of murder – she’d murder you if it was legal – listen to Steve about your mum yeah he knows criminals I’m not the criminal here I was set up by your mum she lied about her age when I met her at the bus stop that day she’s an evil woman. If the MH team don’t listen I’ll come up and tell them. She’s evil. Sorry for getting angry in front of you Nat, you remind me of her. Don’t forget she was the one that punched you in Norfolk, imagine the physical violence I had, they’ll see it one day – it wouldn’t surprise me if she killed Gordy”. Gordy wanted me to move up but I never found out why, then he went missing. I know things the police don’t because there’s something about manipulation…even with intelligence, you never know who’s telling the truth. It can take years to discover who has been manipulating you and who hasn’t. Years. Even if you’re the most intelligent person in the world, you can still be manipulated. One day I’ll find the truth, I just need to find a MH team that reads my 800 pages of child abuse paperwork, and helps me understand my life so I can heal from my parents manipulation. I need to know the truth to heal that way, whilst also working on my other traumas, I keep having hope, but I just go into random outbursts of emotion, and pacing in my room and stuff. My dad said “Natalie if you want to know who your mum really is, a talented artist…into her politics more than her kids…is jealous of you…think Adolf Hitler, didn’t he love animals and was creative too? Wake up Natalie – she’s a sociopath. BPD is overdiagnosed, BPD is sociopathy” – you have PTSD like me. The only reason why you’re a strong woman is because you were raised by sociopaths. But you’re not a sociopath.

I might not know what my mum is capable of, but what I do know is I’ve inherited her creativity and born with her level of intelligence. Why couldn’t I have been born dyslexic like my dad? People might have helped me then.

To be honest I still don’t know which one of my parents is the sociopath because I’m so brainwashed, and now I have CPTSD on top of all my other trauma.

I guess I never stood a chance? My life is over. I’ll never know the truth, heal from my pain, or anything.

I was let down by the system. And no one believed me because of a label I never even had.

I’m sorry you’re never going to be the same again. I’m sorry you only have memories of your former self left. But Hemingway will keep you alive. He’s the only one who understands. 💔