CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

What does betrayal mean to me?

Betrayal

• The man who followed me into a bathroom as a child and raped me then kept trying to get in touch with me when I moved to Scotland. I was tired of seeing him around where I lived. He was scared he’d get caught, I just want him to not do it to someone else and leave me alone and just back off.
• Steve, Lara, Denise: For trusting them with my trauma and them writing something completely different down. I shouldn’t have had an appointment alone with Steve. His words will be taken as fact now and I’m screwed for court next week and they’re going to see me manic and have ptsd attacks and my recent ex has been summoned too.
• My parents: My mother for wanting me labelled with a mental illness and receiving trauma therapy for a relationship she had with my dad when I lived with him 90% of my life under NHS Highland and then saying “she has mental illness, I’ve been abused”. Oh, and cutting me out your life completely and wanting me to go back to live with the same man who abused you? Okay. Makes sense.
• My dad’s NPD/PTSD and ADHD. That was hard to cope with growing up.
• The peedophiles in my childhood who were interested in young vulnerable girls who had no one who cared about them.
• The school who blamed me for 7 years of bullying, then when my cousin forced me to fight back in an attempt to stop the bullying I was blamed.
• Hertfordshire County Council for using my trauma against me in court in 2015 and saying “we don’t know the effect her past abuse has had on her yet” but refused to put in trauma therapy for me because at the time I didn’t know wtf they were on about as I had numbed it out as was on medication you fools. I was like huh? I was abused? Are you sure? And they looked at me funny in court. And said yes Natalie you’ve gone through prolonged extreme abuse in your childhood. And I said I don’t remember that. Oh well it’s the past why does it matter? And they said it does matter because it’s going to affect you at some point in your life so you can’t take on responsibilities like this. Well I think I figured that out in 2018. But thanks for the heads up and no action.
• The DWP PIP system who laughed at my BPD label when I was experiencing PTSD attacks in 2018.
• The persistent childhood neglect and the school saying “Natalie won’t achieve anything in life because she has difficulty concentrating, daydreams, zones out, is always late, has difficulty focusing in lessons.”
• The emotional abuse incident in 2018 – when it was covered up so I lost my home, job, everything.
• The exes who played with my head.
• The 800 pages of child abuse paperwork I had and the way I was discriminated against by institutions and the government for focusing on creativity and education as a coping mechanism before PTSD hit me for the first time and CPTSD hit me in full force.
• The council for not providing me with a home to be alone and wanting evidence of my ptsd when I’ve had to relive so many traumatic events that it’s hard for my brain to cope with so was sitting rocking in my room for months.
• The men in the local area who just sat and watched my ptsd attacks in a public place and didn’t say anything because they assumed their friend did it to me so they wanted to cover it up to try and get me to go back to the place I was traumatised.
• The family members who sexually abused me.
• The constant need to feel safe but couldn’t get it repeatedly.
• The men who still choose to put me down.
• The mental health system for refusing me trauma focused therapy for long term neglect, sexual, and emotional abuse in childhood. And then services still deciding it will be “fun” to externally trigger it.
• Right. Now I know why I like to keep myself isolated and alone.
• I can’t put all my traumas on here, because it’s extreme.
• But one thing no one can ever take from me is my creativity and education because that has kept me alive all these years. Not them.
• I was born alone and I’ll die alone. So please, hurt me, betray me, belittle me… give it your best shot.
• Because I rise from the flames – like Sia