CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

I always was against narcissism. I suppressed the narcissism within me because I couldn’t stand it. Only to realise that narcissism itself is actually ADHD whereas NPD and BPD are forms of childhood PTSD.

I was rejecting the narcissism because of my father.

I will list each of the NPD traits and say how my father was: It’s a rare condition whereas narcissism itself is common. To be a narcissist means to be successful and there are many healthy narcissists out there who don’t go round abusing others. I know a few and some of the “narcissists” are constantly criticised for being one even though they’ve learned to manage and control their emotions and focus on working and their goals. They get the brunt of it in society the most, more than borderlines do. Not every narcissist is an abuser in the same way that not every borderline is an abuser. I’m both. NPD/BPD. I’m half my mum and half my dad. The perfect equation. Half narcissist, half empath. Imagine that conflict in your own mind? Not a good place to be trust me.

Here’s the catch. When you have a BPD and NPD together, it’s a relationship war zone. They both have childhood PTSD so the conflict is going to be extreme. But they’re attracted to each other. Why?

Because they were both born neurodivergent but both had childhood trauma but manifested in different ways.

So when a man calls me a narcissist, he either has ADHD or NPD. Because you project the thing you hate the most on to others. In other words, I’ve always been a “narcissist” but the ADHD type, not the NPD type. Hence every man I’ve been with or have ever been attracted to either meet the criteria for Autism, ADHD or BPD.

So here’s my dad’s “real NPD” and then I’ll go into my own narcissism.

….

First, let’s explore the criteria:

My dad:

1. Grandiose sense of self importance: He has to be friends with powerful people, lawyers, solicitors, politicians, and celebrities. He wanted me to be “famous” or achieve things better than he can – I can’t think of anything worse right now with my traumatic history. I’d need an identity change. He always has to be “the best” at his job, everything.
2. Preoccupied fantasies of unlimited ideal love and success. This has always been pervasive. His ideal love – he has photos of himself – 100 of them and his name everywhere and thinks he’s “just like Donald Trump”. – if he was famous it would be a problem because he would get everything named after him. You can see why I’m crazy now right?
3. Believes he is special or unique and can only be understood by intelligent and high-status people: That’s him.
4. Requires excessive admiration: He seeks this in the outside world. He wants it from anyone who will give him the attention. He should be admired. If I’m struggling – he won’t visit me. He will say “you know I’ve done a lot for you growing up so you need to visit me” and when I say “I can’t I have CPTSD” – I’m selfish. Yep.
5. Has a sense of entitlement: He feels entitled to have the best of everything. The best new van, the best new everything, tv, you name it, he wants it. But if his kids are struggling “you have to find your own way in life that’s what the benefits system is for”.
6. Interpersonally exploitable: Will use me to achieve his own needs. Use me to create a “good self image” of him. Whilst also knowing I struggle. Told you I was crazy.
7. Lacks empathy: He can’t identify with my needs or those around him, not even his children’s unless he is perceived as the victim of abuse.
8. He believes people are jealous of him because he created a 5* business.
9. Shows arrogant attitudes: He’s very arrogant, but not ignorant.

He also told me recently: If his doctor never put him on PTSD medication he would have murdered someone by now.

So yes my PTSD scores are off the scale because I have a father with real NPD and ADHD. Unfortunately my narcissism is the ADHD.

I need a hell of a lot of therapy which Steve refused me for. Whyyyy

If you listen to Sia’s music, listen to the words. She has ASD/ADHD and PTSD/CPTSD. The distinction between the light and the dark she battles with internally, hides herself away from the spotlight, whilst expressing her creativity.

Me and Sia are alike. Her words resonate with me.

She’s my hope on getting through if I can’t rely on the system to help me.

Sia also has Ehlers Danlos Syndrome like me.