CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

There were multiple incidents I thought were normal where I didn’t go running to the mental health team when I was younger. I had gaps in my thought processes, my speech would mess up, and I’d sit there dissociative with racing thoughts and sudden ideas come to mind. I thought this to be bipolar but it was without ptsd attacks at the time.

I probably do have bipolar as well, but trying to stay alive and survive has been a mission in life. I really needed the mental health team to help me and I think that’s why I got so angry at Steve’s letter and displayed his name over this blog. My brain went into survival mode and hyper-vigilance. He won’t regret what he wrote. No one ever regrets hurting me.

I just have to try and cope with the horrible physical symptoms that come with PTSD, the nightmares, the insomnia, the rocking, the dissociation, the escaping to a fantasy world, the magical thinking. My PTSD scores will be off the scale for a reason. Because I’ve most probably had PTSD since I was a very young child and never managed to find who I was because of the repetitive trauma.

That’s CPTSD. The PTSD might come and go, but it is extremely painful, and the only issue is one type of PTSD needs medication and therapy, and the other needs solely at least 10 years worth of therapy and when you have both types together that’s when things …

Get. A. Bit. Complicated.

Because if you medicate the standardised PTSD, it’s also going to block out the traumatic memories of the CPTSD. So I have to think to myself, do I try and see if Carl Jung’s theories work if I’ve had additional unrelated traumas to psychological manipulation and abuse? Or do I medicate the brain change and dissociate again being unable to recollect my traumas?

Am I strong enough for this?

I’m not the only person in the world to have endured years worth of trauma, I know that.

But I was always rejected by the mental health teams in both towns because of a BPD label.

Always.

I just never knew why?

The horrible thing is, I had a friend I watched go through this once. Her dad had the rare narcissistic personality disorder too. She went running to the mental health team at the time and they kept having a go at her saying “go away, it’s BPD and Bipolar”, and she started expressing herself having this sudden psychological ability to connect patterns, and her PTSD attacks were intense, but during a crisis she was expressing NPD traits towards me and BPD traits. Because that’s what it does. The thing is… she never was the same again. After the crisis was over her whole brain had changed completely, she cut me off, avoidant. Now I know why.

You take on the identity of your perpetrators during a crisis as your memories rise to the surface.

America won’t add it in the DSM because they call it narcissistic victim syndrome. They call it bipolar type 1. Or DESNOS.

Let’s be clear here, not all narcissists go around psychologically manipulating others. There’s plenty of narcissists who don’t do this. But the things me and my old university friend experience we both are INFJ’s and we both have a father with real NPD.

The issue is… The real NPD, doesn’t think they’ve done anything wrong. And never will. Coming into contact with someone with true NPD can trigger me back into the past…no fault of their own. But I’m unable to date anyone with NPD for this reason.

So why do I still speak to my dad?

Because he gets upset if I don’t… and I don’t like hurting people.

Even when they’ve hurt me.

Confusion of the perpetrator:

The issue with both PTSD and CPTSD is, you can go through multiple separate abusive or traumatic events which makes it challenging to sort out one type of PTSD against the other, and it can cause a very surreal experience that looks like and mimics both BPD and bipolar disorder, but it’s not.

Two factors here to be aware of:

So people who don’t have a parent with real NPD will see these traits rise to the surface when triggered by an external factor.

The reason it looks similar to both NPD and BPD is because they are both types of PTSD originating from their childhood traumas.

That’s the difference.

So when 2018 happened, the doctors went “oh no”, then gave me the boot to Scotland.

Case closed. So I’m going to ask Steve one last time? Do you fancy changing my diagnosis back to the correct one please that my psychiatrist diagnosed me with properly? Not to mention. I did tell Lara who managed the team this when I first moved here, and she said to me “real NPD though”?

So yeah, I didn’t like her after that. Sorry. Not sorry.

Thank you!

Try covering that one up in court.

Don’t. Push. The. Daughter. Of. A. Narcissist. To. Her. Limits. Especially not…deliberately.

She’s a wild one.