CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

I went into ptsd attacks when working through the PTSD workbook. It wasn’t pleasant. They advised it’s good I’m doing it, but I can’t do it on my own and need to try distract myself in the present moment. The police came out to check on me as well, although that was unintentional. I’ve used my phone too much it kept cutting off the phone call the ambulance when I went into my ptsd attacks. The police know things I don’t so always been protective of me.

The issue is my childhood paperwork is filled with prolonged abuse. Abuse that sometimes I can’t even recollect when I’m stable enough. It only takes a man to betray me to trigger me back, or a man to push me down without me understanding why.

I don’t see how England thought I was a strong person. They just said “you’ve gone through a lot in your life Natalie, more than most”. They know things I don’t, yet.

Hence they were keeping an eye on me up here up until a year ago before I fell into this crisis.

I wonder who can I really trust? England or Scotland? Can I regain that trust back with Steve? I forgive people all the time in life, but when the trust gets broken, it sends me into very severe ptsd attacks.

I need to find a man that doesn’t have ADHD (both my long term exes do and so does my dad alongside his NPD), and who can slowly let my nervous system build trust with a man again. Gradually. Baby steps without feelings getting involved.

Where do I find one of those? I don’t want to fall in love with anyone again, it’s too dangerous at the moment until I’ve had trauma therapy work which Steve Cargill rejected me for. Hence I created this blog in hope I meet people who have gone through similar symptoms and made it out ok. Unfortunately, I can never find many people but I don’t know if that’s because I have more than one mental health condition and neurodivergence.

It’s the only way for me to heal and build trust with men again. I just don’t like dating sites. And has to be someone who won’t get feelings for me. That’s always the difficult part because men tend to fall in love with me, especially when I try and heal from childhood sexual abuse experiences that I do remember. I sometimes wonder if that’s what work were covering up in 2018 because I can’t tell if Mark had actual feelings for me or not because he switched on me suddenly and then said “I didn’t want things to end like this between me and you” and that’s when the doctors were like “Natalie, stay away from your dad and go to Scotland”. So did he emotionally abuse me? Or do they know things I don’t? I’ll never know because he was advised not to talk to me. It felt like emotional abuse at the time because he switched on me without warning without telling me why. But it seems England didn’t want me knowing things about my childhood. Then a few years ago, social services sent me my 800 pages of childhood trauma paperwork. The mental health team know things I don’t. The police knew things I don’t. Were they trying to prevent me going into ptsd attacks?

Maybe I’ll never know.