CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

It’s so exhausting. Why do men have to be so mean to me?

I hate going into random outbursts of laughter and a headache and then dissociative PTSD symptoms. On top of being an INFJ and having AuDHD it’s incredibly exhausting. My poor brain.

I hate betrayal. It really affects me. Especially when you trust the man with what you’re telling them.

People won’t understand me because I was born an INFJ. I have to mask my core personality type, because people think we have “mystical powers” or unseen capabilities, when that’s not actually the case. Our brains operate at a higher frequency and with this level of power comes pain, torture, vivid images of all the abuse you’ve ever entailed, and you age regress. So one minute you can be a small 4 year old playing a game like scrabble, and the next you’re a mature 30 year old spreading awareness about a way to save the world you’ve thought up.

I hated being different from other children growing up. The infant and primary school were very very protective of me because they said “we’ve never seen anything like it” – she’s different. And my PD scores are inconclusive. I score all in 7 personality disorders which is impossible.

If we don’t ground ourselves in the present moment, we can take on the personality types of those who abused us in life before we return back to our authentic selves.

I think we are the children of narcissistic parents. So I am ruminating over why Steve Cargill wrote what he did and it has aggravated my CPTSD because it actually hurts. And yet, he will probably say “oh she’s being attention seeking” – I like being isolated, usually. I just hate my rapid thoughts being triggered and all my traumas rising to the surface of my brain. I’m absolutely petrified of death and have been since I was a young child – my dad said to me recently “you shouldn’t be able to remember your young childhood” – I wonder what he means.

I just tend to go into ptsd attacks around him without ever understanding why.

But he said “you can recover, you’re a beautiful lady you know”.

No, I’m traumatised – there’s a difference. In 2018 when I went through this a doctor at the time said “Natalie, stay away from your dad, you need to stay away from your dad, not many people are as strong as you so please bare that in mind”. My hand started shaking violently trying to ask myself that question: “What happened before the age of 7?”. My brain started reacting. Is this normal?

and then when I got sectioned the psychiatrist said to me “What happened between the ages of 13-17 Natalie?” And my body flew into PTSD attacks worse than before.

So I somehow wonder why Steve Cargill wanted to put that down as BPD? Is it so I don’t remember? What’s the aim? I need to remember to heal don’t I? So why write down things that I didn’t even say. None of this makes any sense.

I don’t understand what they were trying to achieve? Or is my traumatic history too traumatic hence NHS England put me under the BPD diagnosis instead of the PTSD so I can block out the painful memories?

I have to wonder… but that’s what INFJ’s do. They wonder.