CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

I like being single and alone.

One of my friends who lives where I do got back in touch with me and asked me if I wanted to go for a walk.

She’s from where me and my ex were from so she understands what the men can be like there.

And the guy who broke me 10 years ago, now he’s gone silent on me, I’m starting to stabilise again.

Talking about him is giving me headaches, sitting rocking in my room, twitches in my body.

I then made the biggest mistake after remaining single for two years after me and Steven split up. I fell for someone at work. But then I realised he didn’t love me back and he was just playing with my head too which I assumed someone 20 years older than me would know better. Unfortunately I had my first major PTSD attacks at the time. The NHS ignored it, diagnosed me with Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified, and mixed personality disorder. I only found out recently it’s CPTSD. So someone must have abused me psychologically for me to get CPTSD. The question is who?

That’s how bad the mental health service is in NHS Highlands. They’ll take your trauma and laugh about it. So I thought, do you know what? No. I’m staying single and isolated. Because people destroy you. And now Steve Cargill is one of them.

I couldn’t handle falling in love again. It was too much. Then my brain changed. Completely. I’ve never been able to love since.

I care about my recent ex, but I’m just as to blame for being emotionally unavailable as he is.

He said to the mental health team when I was sectioned “I don’t know what she’s got but it’s not BPD”. So they looked into it and said “Natalie you have ASD and CPTSD” – you’ve never had BPD. Steve Cargill reversed that and replaced it with BPD. NHS Highland betrayed me. They hurt me. Intentionally.

I sometimes wonder which man gave me the CPTSD to begin with so I can heal. But I’ll never know, because somehow, the men who’ve always wanted to hurt me in some way in life get attracted to me.

I’ve always forgiven them, but then blamed by the NHS.

The NHS hate women.

They’ll let you relive your past traumatic events, reject you trauma therapy, blame you for what others have put you through. That’s what Steve Cargill, Lara, Denise and everyone else did to me.

I care about my recent ex because he was the only one there for me the past 6 years when my mother decided to suddenly cut me out of her life 6 years ago with no words. I don’t know what she’s been saying about me, but she wasn’t there for me as a child.

I’m mad at highland council for calling her.

My mum stopped me from going to my great nans funeral. She isolated me from the family. I’d never have a voice in my mental healthcare even if I tried.

My dad’s always loved me though. Maybe he has CPTSD too.

I keep going into outbursts of emotion with pacing and a vibrating head. Every now and then I’ll get a wave of panic like I’m a scared child again.

I found a diary when I was 21. It was written when I was 8 old.

It said “I don’t know why my mother hates me so much”.

I sometimes wonder maybe I didn’t know my dad at all, or my mum.

Maybe I never knew either of them.

Now Steve Cargill is a trigger, he’s just a man who intentionally wanted to destroy me.

Well not this time. He betrayed my trust. They all intentionally were destroying me.

That was the final nail. So I reported him, Denise, and Lara to the healthboard.

No one turns my trauma into a joke. I’m not here for NHS Highlands to try and destroy me. You’ve made me suffer enough.

I’m just waiting for Steve Cargill and his team to report me now. The mental health team went very silent on me yesterday. Very silent.

I’m standing up for abused women who were ignored by the system. And changing the system.

When I first got with my recent ex partner, Lara Fraser came round my exes and said “what are you going with her? She has BPD”.

Hmm? Did I? Do I?

She goes out partying with Denise who assessed me.

See, I’m an INFJ and I can see through games and lies. So now my brain is permanently damaged I’ve got to report it, whistleblow, get it sent straight to the government.

Now you’re all so silent. You made me this way. 🤫 I’ve got too much evidence that will go against you.

I guess you’ve never met a woman before who likes to be alone?