CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

I’m going to describe what each emotion I am currently experiencing means to me.

I like isolation. In fact, I thrive in it. Out of necessity for survival. I can’t be myself when I’m in relationships, I mirror, reflect, and take on their emotions and personalities as well as my own.

For example; my dad – an NPD

My mum – A BPD.

I’m an integration of two opposing forces. Two versions of PTSD that have become complex mixed with the personality type of an INFJ can be dangerous. Abusing an INFJ, betraying an INFJ always opens up guilt in others, not because the INFJ wants that, but because when they’ve had enough of being disrespected, labelled, betrayed, hurt, once they’ve had enough of people taking all the hope they had in life to live safely, healthy, and happy, they retreat. They dissociate. They panic. They get distressed.

I had an EEG study carried out on my brain by my previous university years ago before my traumas caught up with me and my body – it said “your results cannot be used for the study because it doesn’t match any other controls, they don’t know what it is, but my brain is sleeping whilst it’s awake”.

Maybe it was the PTSD that was never picked up.

The way I moved through the world hypervigilant, hearing echoes everywhere I went. I wore my traumas and scars and integrated them into my psyche. But just one trigger. Just one. Can send that unraveling. That trigger? Usually betrayal, distrust.

The trigger that sends the mind back to reliving past traumatic events. CPTSD is the survival of trauma.