CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

This is where I’ve been confused in my life. I have had BPD symptoms that come and go in life, but then it disappeared after had my first brain change in 2018, then I became avoidant in my relationships completely.

This is where I’m getting so so confused. Because should BPD come and go? It was like that since I was like 7 ish. It only recently come back again after an external trigger.

I don’t know. Labels confuse me.

Is BPD really PTSD? It must be. Because for what I’m experiencing now what Steve Cargill labelled as BPD England said it was PTSD. I know that CPTSD was considered to be a label created for those with BPD and PTSD at the same time with its origin in childhood trauma. Unfortunately, I’ve had prolonged childhood trauma and neglect I grew up with but I’ve dragged myself out of tough situations since I was a young child so I do tend to bounce back pretty quickly after my ptsd attacks. (I used to), not so sure about now.

Something just doesn’t add up here. I’m so confused.

I just vomited thinking about it. No idea why. What happened to me when I was 7?

My hand just started shaking. Heart started racing.

I’m actually so so scared.

Something happened to me as a young child I can’t figure out. But I’ve been rejected trauma therapy for years.

What am I going to do now?

I keep having flashbacks of men doing stuff to me as a young child but it’s probably not real. The memories are vague and fragmented. I can’t remember the faces.

What happened to you? Why did I seek out older men at the age of 11. Be interested in sex at the age of 11? That wasn’t normal.

I think there’s more to it tbh that hasn’t risen to the surface yet that somehow got caught up in my growth and development and unfortunately created a lot of pain for my brain to cope with.

I just want to know why older men were interested in children. I was just a target. Can’t trust men at all.