CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

When I first had my heart broken I sat crying for 6 months then stayed single. All I ever wanted was one stable relationship and I was happily in love with my first ever long term relationship but his unpredictability would confuse me because of his BPD. I had rejection sensitivity dysphoria which would intensify when he wasn’t stable in his intentions with me.

Loving the wrong person hurts. It makes you never want to fall in love again. It makes you want to be single for the rest of your life.

Once you get your heart broken by a man, you’re never the same after that. And you’ll never be the same after that.

Every other relationship you have is a fight for safety, stability, and ensuring you’re not going to get hurt again.

He wants me. But the thing is I wanted him for years when I was younger, but he wanted me one minute and not the next. One day he randomly blocked my number, left me confused, told his friends I was crazy, and I couldn’t understand what I was going on, then he will message everytime I got with someone else and say “you know your future is with me”.

Love is something I never want to experience again.

I can stay single, isolated, alone.

It’s better that way.

The gaslighting was horrendous. I was losing my mind in that relationship.

When we split up:

One day we went out clubbing together. He invited me out. He told me to look after this girl who’s the mother of his son.

She wasn’t very nice to me in the nightclub and I couldn’t understand why at the time. Apparently whilst living at mine he had been seeing this girl for months. Her friends said “what are you doing splitting up a relationship”. I said “I’m not he lives at mine” and she said “no he doesn’t”. I ended up being hurt by these girls and ran off crying under the stairs for hours. I was 60 miles from home. I didn’t know where to go or what to do.

In the end Stevens friend came and got me to calm me down and called Steven horrible for what he did.

A month later, Emma was pregnant.

That was the last time I allowed myself to properly fall in love.

He then did the same thing to her and apparently she has BPD too.

I always wonder if he really did love me. He was the only man I wanted for years, I fought for that love and destroyed myself in the process.

Then I got blamed for it by NHS mental health.

He had a go at me for not being able to get pregnant for years. I have fertility issues and endometriosis symptoms and PMDD.

He then took me to the doctors and said “she’s got bipolar” when I lost my mind. He’s gone silent on me completely again. Because he knows I’m right where he has me. “Phew, the BPD label”.

It wasn’t my fault I couldn’t get pregnant, but I’m not going to let you rip my heart out again. I’ll never come back.

Welcome to the system.