CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

I sometimes wonder if they can change the descriptions.

From the daughter of a father with NPD he meets 8/9 traits. I meet 2 traits.

Learned traits.

But I also have CPTSD from my father. My mum wasn’t the bad one, she reacted and then developed CPTSD herself, but I just grew up thinking it was normal and taking on the responsibility of parenting an adult with NPD.

And the system brought me down for that.

That’s why anything psychologically distressing or that resembles emotional abuse can send me into a CPTSD crisis.

I know I’m stuck with the CPTSD for life. But if I had my way, I’d change the criteria of what NPD really is – a form of PTSD.

I don’t know how to ever heal from this part of me. This is what my ex’s friend triggered in me. I just didn’t want to tell him he reminded me of my dad and some past relationships I had and I was in an emotional flashback at the time.

He won’t be able to see it. Hence I kept quiet. I tried work on my dad for 20 years. But it’s important to note that not everyone with NPD are “abusers” like society portrays them. Not everyone with NPD will abuse others. I feel sorry for those with NPD who don’t abuse others at all and have to take the burden & discrimination from the NPD people who do.

It’s a trauma based illness: they can’t recognise they’re doing anything wrong. It took me 20 years to tell my dad he had NPD before he finally accepted it. Unfortunately, I’m an INFJ and I absorb energies like lightning.

That’s why I need to stay avoidant. I take on other people’s thoughts and emotions.

I hate this part of me. I can’t even have a conversation with someone with NPD now or I’d fly into a CPTSD crisis. Not because of them, but because of my dad. Although this person did nothing “wrong” to me, personally. He could instantly sense the two NPD traits inside of me, from being brought up by a dad with NPD and ADHD.

Parents with ADHD can unintentionally cause CPTSD in their children if they have theory of mind issues and never received support growing up. But it’s important to note it’s often unintentional in the older generations. The younger generations are more aware.

It’s hard to explain that to people who aren’t ready to understand what NPD really is. Or ADHD.

Lucky for my dad he has very powerful friends who are trying to reverse his NPD from new research so he doesn’t engage in harmful behaviours and he’s been doing the work by revisiting the places that traumatised him. He’s beginning to emphasise with others.

He said his friends help him. I just wish they did that when he was a child.

NPD isn’t a nice illness to have. People just like to throw it around. BPD isn’t a nice illness to have either, but people throw that around too.

They did that on me, when my brain and body had to survive countless internal battles that no one saw. But yet. I’m damaged for life.

It’s not that I don’t “like” people with NPD. I just can’t be on the side of society that puts men with NPD down in the older generations when they didn’t have any forms of support that we do growing up. People have to understand that. My mum hates me defending my dad but I don’t do it out of malice.

I’m an INFJ. I have a degree of narcissism in me because of my dad. I just can also love and not intentionally hurt others.

In a CPTSD crisis I will exhibit trauma associated Narcissist behaviours, but these are survival mechanisms, not personality traits. My dad openly said to me because he’s also Autistic and ADHD so can be a bit too honest sometimes; Yeah I take medication otherwise I’d have murdered someone by now because I’m an egomaniac. It stops me from wanting to do that.

I just say, okay. I’m having a nervous breakdown.