CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

I haven’t spoken much about my recent relationship I was in, basically because there’s nothing to really talk about apart from he was emotionally unavailable and since 2018, I’ve only managed to have relationships that remain on a platonic level.

I have a lot of unhealed trauma I need to work through but there’s so much of it, I don’t even know where to start. my trauma history should be in a museum. There’s me just strolling through life saying “yeah it’s fine” I’m going to pick myself back up, until your brain becomes pretty much broken. 😏

Why am I such a prune? Tbh though, I would have got the ptsd therapy back in 2018 if it wasn’t covered up. I still don’t even know why to this day they all even bothered covering it up. I was mad at what he did at the time, but I’m not going to do anything to him. I’m just mad they covered it up so my brain got worse over time until now I need so much intervention that could have been helped years ago.

I like being single though: just hate that the CPTSD has never been so severe before, and I’m getting brief manic states with it.

I miss who I was before 2018. I think that’s what broke me more, but my brain feels worse than it did in 2018 PTSD wise.

Why do I make stupid choices? I should have trusted my instincts and paid privately or something to sort some of my PTSD stuff in 2018. It was a struggle to access it.

I wasn’t in love with him. I can’t love anyone properly. Not since 2018. As bad as it sounds and he knows this anyway, if I even get any feelings for any man, my brain will change.

That’s probably why England were questioning why I wasn’t going into a CPTSD crisis sooner as if to say “she should be having a crisis with any man she falls for; this is a bit off” – Yes because I didn’t allow 2018 to happen again. I was very careful. Unfortunately, I failed at that.

My exes friend put me down for this, but he didn’t know my history or reasons so it’s irrelevant. Hence I don’t blame him for this. I can’t fall in love because it would flash me into a CPTSD crisis. I knew that years ago. It’s too dangerous until I have trauma therapy and lots of it.

Now I’ve realised I can’t even have an emotionally unavailable relationship. I can stand up for myself against a man. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. I’ve gone through hell multiple times over.

My brains a mess: but yep I got exposed, for preventing myself from falling for someone. I can’t take back what happened in 2018.

I realised after I got with this guy from my new job when I first moved to Scotland. I flew straight into a CPTSD crisis but with less severe ptsd attacks but I was on sertraline at the time. That’s what they were questioning. Not that I can blame them, but I couldn’t tell them the truth that I was preventing my ptsd who would have believed me?

How me and my recent ex got together anyway was a bit complicated. I wanted to be single at the time and he basically begged me to lol. And I stayed to keep him happy as didn’t want to hurt him. It worked well.. until it didn’t. I was slowly collapsing. Trying my best to distract myself. I distracted myself with gambling because he did it too and it was a dopamine activity that kept me at a stable level because ADHD is all to do with dopamine. That’s why men like to make money and girls like to create. Some men are creative but that’s more prevalent in the inattentive type of ADHD that often goes undetected because the hyperactivity is in the brain and you can have a straight face on the outside but a powerful mind full of ideas. 💡

Now I know I can’t risk any sort of love. Now everything about 2018 has traumatised me because that’s what he meant. “Time will tell”. His friend Patrick said at one point I could move on and be happy. Little does he know, because of my childhood trauma it would be impossible unless it was with a man strong enough to handle me and my crisis and CPTSD attacks.

Both me and Steven know I was doomed since 2018. He looked after me for 6 years. Tbh lockdown hit a few weeks after we got together so we just remained in the relationship and created a friendship pretty much. That’s why we still talk. We both said if we find someone else we will both move on, except he then fell for me and I couldn’t fall for him. He’s never intentionally abused me though, emotionally. He is a specific type of narcissist that’s separate to my father’s fragile narcissism but he also has ADHD. It was the ADHD we both have that connected us together. Although that was a choice I made and he did look after me well when I had no one else, hence I respect him.

I’ve known, I can’t have a loving feeling type relationship since 2018. With anyone. I need to try and reverse it, somehow.

But I can only do that alone. 💕

This was why I didn’t want anyone blaming my recent ex for why I deteriorated. Because he did look out for me in more ways than one when the world wanted to ignore my wounds. Whether he was a narcissist or not. I can’t dislike people who looked out for me and supported me the best they could even if I disagree with their other actions or choices in life. I’m not responsible for their behaviours – I can only show people a more creative way of life. 💔

I’ve had narcissistic parents, and I was the scapegoat, the family reject, the child who wouldn’t do as she was told because she liked her independence.

BPD was originally defined as a term to describe “traumatised women” when the label was first created. CPTSD has a combination of both BPD and PTSD episodes it’s basically a combination of both BPD and PTSD mixed into one category to describe BPD women with a history of abuse and PTSD attacks for treatment purposes. As CPTSD can cause many physical symptoms that need to be addressed through trauma therapy. Hence the spiritual crisis often appears eerily similar.

The treatment methods for both NPD and BPD need to change if society wants to function better in the future because they’re both forms of PTSD.

Not everyone with BPD and NPD go around and abuse women in interpersonal relationships. I need to point that out. Plus, I always wanted him to be there for his family and kids. Rather than me. I knew he wouldn’t be able to truthfully love me and that’s why I stuck with him. To prevent my spiritual crisis. That’s the paradox of having a narcissistic parent – like Hemingway, I was doomed from the start. ❤️