CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

Before CPTSD, I loved too deeply. I was always striving for just one relationship – craving stability. A peaceful life.

I put love above everything else. Refused to give up on people who had hurt me. When CPTSD hit, I could no longer love properly again.

I became avoidant. Someone who struggled to connect with their partner. I had to choose platonic relationships to keep myself at a stable level.

That’s when I knew I’d never be able to love again. As sad as it sounds, my brain is numbed out. I miss experiencing those feelings. Unfortunately, it’s something I have to accept.

The first half of my life was broken by my parents, the second half by the men I chose to have relationships with.

I know it’s too late to retrain the brain.

I just need to remain calm when the system tries and tears me down for being broken and avoiding external triggers.

I tried.

My dad thinks he’s the best at his business and no one can be better than him, he flies into rage, but if you’re on his good side he will treat you like you’re the “best” person in the world. He has hundreds of pictures of his face in his living room. Photographs dotted around. He’s obsessed with his self image (hates social media), so think of Trump.

I never thought it was possible for my dad to get empathy until I did some work on him over the last 10 years, covertly.

Now his traumas are coming back he’s been revisiting them.

That’s when I realised NPD was a childhood PTSD illness. He was trying to find love in himself, the love he never had as a child.

I think my dad was born an empath. He’s autistic like me; or AuDHD. I think trauma made him NPD. I was hoping to reverse his NPD, but I failed at that. I’m left with CPTSD from bringing up broken people, and PTSD.

He said “I’ve been telling my friends about all your accomplishments”. I said to him “dad I’ve recently been sectioned I have CPTSD. He said “sorry to hear that nat but you know you should be visiting me; I can’t come to you you know”. I said dad I have CPTSD.

He said “But you can still come see your dad”.

Now all my therapy work I did to fix my childhood and my dad has possibly left me with temporary traits of NPD on top of my CPTSD, AuDHD and everything else.

Carl Jung said we have to accept the side of ourselves we don’t want to face in order to heal. I hope it’s not permanent.