CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

Living with a dad with real NPD, and ADHD, I had to learn at a very young age to tread on eggshells.

When I exposed my crisis, I also wanted to see what others perceptions of me were when they saw the CPTSD attacks, mixed with the rapid cycling bipolar symptoms.

I encountered the word “narcissist” multiple times.

Apparently my dad has a history of violence towards women. I know why. So does Ernest Hemingway.

He was abused by his mother in childhood. He kept trying to talk to me about it for years and I kept taking my mother’s opinions and ignored him. He said his wife tells him off now. He’s dyslexic. He can’t identify with his emotions. He sends me pictures of him visiting his childhood care home and saying “look Nat, this is where I cried for my parents”. His mum used to tie all the boys to a chair for their ADHD, but he grew emotionally attached to her. He will be broken when she passes.

I was an external trigger of his CPTSD and he wasn’t even aware.

For him to stabilise he has to be single. But he developed vulnerable narcissism.

“Where’s my keys Nat?”

“I’ve lost my phone”

“I’m taking you to court for distress” whenever I would try to talk about my childhood traumas.

He thinks he’s the best at his business. Then when I visit him, he goes into anger episodes and crying.

That’s why I didn’t go back.

I’ve never seen him hit my mother in my life. He did do abusive behaviours when he feared abandonment, but that’s what CPTSD is: NPD/BPD combined.

Most neurodivergents develop CPTSD.

He has no idea his mum is the trigger.

And now he’s my trigger.

My mum is his trigger.

I’m both of their triggers.

I kept away.

That’s why England have me my own place at a young age without children.

That’s why I defended him. Not to hurt my mother, but because I knew too much.

My dad was in a care home from age 12-15. At 15 his father died. It broke him. That’s why he engaged in risky behaviours and impulsive actions.

He’s not nasty. He’s broken. He’s still a broken child.

I never wanted this. As Ernest Hemingway was doomed from the start, so was I. I knew that.

My mother is also broken, and yes her abuse is valid from my dad. I just witnessed both sides, and found they were both broken, dealing with similar issues, but when I was forced to take sides, I was the mean one: the one who should be shut out from both family systems.

Being an INFJ does that.

I broke myself, trying to heal my parents. Then I kept myself single for two years, worked, then again was brought down by a man 20 years older than me.

I have to stay away from my dad, because I’m a trigger of his CPTSD. Yet my mum wanted me to go back. Because my feelings never mattered. My health never mattered. Neither did anything. When I spoke up about how I felt I was invalidated, criticised, blamed. My sister had a go at me and said “you’re going to make mum kill herself, she’s been a good mother to me”. Yeah? Congratulations. What do you want? A medal? 🥇

She wasn’t very nice to me: before I even knew her friends; they hated me. I couldn’t work out why. Whilst she sits dying her hair different colours, shop excessively, etc. She was abused by my dad. But I was abused by both parents. I didn’t create a “victim” mentality. Not until my PTSD attacks came in full force.

It’s okay mum. You’re welcome to bring me down. Make friends with politicians. Hurt me. But you’re also the reason I struggle to make friendships with women. So. Yeah. I had a double whammy on both sides. You and my siblings got help from the system, housed, treated nicely. I just got put down – until recently. You didn’t want me here because you didn’t want the truth to come out. That’s why you ran away.

Why should I have to suffer to keep you happy? Who cared about me?

When you sit and play the blame game, just remember your own weaknesses.

When you throw these labels around, you have no idea what they mean.

Both NPD/BPD are forms of PTSD. It’s sad. And they’re also more likely to be neurodivergent. Generational trauma.

The system has a lot to learn. I have real CPTSD so if Highland Council really want to question me on my abuse and experiences and the necessity of why I need to be alone, maybe listen the first time.

Does that make you feel any better? I don’t know. There’s a reason I need to be single. Don’t judge what you don’t understand.