I haven’t been able to look after myself, I’ve been isolating myself in my room in a shared house, going into emotional flashbacks like a scared 4 year old child.
My grandmother has randomly stopped talking to me.
My siblings are asking for house exchanges in my local area.
I suppose my dad was never the problem. My mum was always jealous of me. She didn’t like the fact I was pretty or slim, she hated that. She’s scared of being exposed, scared of criticism, of vulnerability. I know it’s not her fault, and I have no malice against her, but if you were really abused by my dad then why were you so effortlessly trying to force me back to England to live with him for six years?
My dad has emotional flashbacks of childhood traumas like I do.
Funny isn’t it? The Highland Council calling your Scottish family on you, and the police, for the things they did to you. They just refuse to take accountability. That’s narcissism.
Not my dad.
I brought this book today. I can heal myself in isolation, just not around… people. People break you down. I learned that in childhood. Institutions break you down. I had to grow up at an early age. I’ve never had a life. I’ve always looked after the men who also needed looking after in more ways than one. That’s why I forgave them for the abuse they inflicted on me. I get angry about the incident with work in 2018 because that gave me my first intense PTSD attacks, things and triggered the CPTSD and mania at the same time.
I then had to endure systemic abuse – a man, laughing at the “BPD” label.
I had the labels used against me. How can I trust that the council wasn’t discriminating against me? Of course they were. They had previous letters. They just chose to ignore them. The abuse I’ve experienced in life was never a “choice”. Everyone goes through abuse. Not everyone develops PTSD or CPTSD or bipolar disorder from that abuse though. Adding in the fact I was born AuDHD just complicates things. I have good self-awareness, intellectual capacity, and that was my downfall. That made my health worse.
Now they want me to “prove” I really have PTSD – after witnessing the attacks.
I respect the police because they’ve always looked out for me in more ways than one. I like to show neurodivergents who react against the system and people a better way of life, through creativity or building businesses and making money.
Men with ADHD need stimulation, they gamble to get their dopamine levels met. They create businesses and keep busy, they like to buy and sell. Women with ADHD like to create, help others, learn. Women with ADHD have empathy, but we also like our solitude. Prior to 2018 I had rejection sensitivity dysphoria. People called me narcissistic for this. But I wasn’t. I just had undiagnosed ADHD. My brother got support for his ADHD. Me and my dad didn’t. That’s why I’ve always protected him. I don’t agree with the negative actions, in the same way I don’t agree with some of mine when the system wants to break me down, but I always wonder how so many people are diagnosed with ADHD but they didn’t pick up mine since I was a child, considering the symptoms were there since “birth”. I suppose, I was always forgotten by the system. Always. It’s hard to rebuild bonds with organisations who would do anything to see you suffer and use your PTSD coping mechanisms against you.
I live a very lonely, cold, empty life. But I never lost my faith and hope for a better future. I experienced dissociative amnesia for a number of years, where I wasn’t able to recall my traumas and I went to work in Scotland, but some symptoms lingered. I couldn’t work out why I couldn’t do things as well as I used to. I’ve always had specialist support in my education. It’s hard to believe that when you have a very high IQ and level of intellect. The truth is ADHD has nothing to do with intelligence. It runs on my father’s side. The majority of the people with real ADHD and bipolar never seek help for it. Unfortunately.
CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified 
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