CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

I sometimes wonder how people can covertly break down an abused woman, shred her core essence, and then keep doing it more and more… behind the scenes.

It’s not just people that have done it, it’s organisations. I’m never going to get better, my brain is permanently damaged and people still brought me down. I kept a private diary of everything over the last 7 years, noted every detail I was hurt, all the tears I cried. 100s of private video recordings crying in pain.

I think I just broke… like glass. But this time, permanently.

Unfortunately the system can’t access links to that.

My trauma can never be healed. I tried to protect myself but I failed. And I failed miserably.

I knew I’d break eventually, I just didn’t expect it to be so young, you know?

I wanted the chance to live life first.

I never got that opportunity.

Forever broken. I studied psychology, there’s no going back: when you’ve experienced profound childhood trauma and abuse, when the brain breaks completely, it’s almost impossible to return itself to the former self. Look at Hemingway. We both know. 💔

I’ve always been a sensitive person anyway, I just didn’t expect the catastrophic personality change, I thought I could take abuse. I was raped in childhood, I was beaten up for years, tortured by bullies psychologically, neglect, child protection, 800 pages of childhood trauma. That broke my brain before I even got the chance to live. I just encountered more experiences in my adulthood, but I’m not as strong as people think I am. They think I’m strong. But I’m the weakest person in the world.

Maybe I should be mad at the system, for not protecting me enough. Isn’t that what centre-left and left wing policies are supposed to be about? Why have the tories been nicer to me in the past as a poor person than left wing politicians ever have? Why have men who vote reform supported me better than left wing people?

Left wing people discard…

Even after sharing this with the Highland Council, they still decided to react with malice. I guess we couldn’t trust the SNP after all. I did vote for them, but in all honesty; they destroy you before you even get the chance to live: even if you are a nice person: it won’t get you anywhere. It’s never going to get better: I need to try to accept it. It’s going to be difficult to accept. The UK government can go away with their “we want evidence”. Fine, go back 20 years at the age of 13 and watch me being raped then: there’s your evidence. I get tinnitus and headaches thinking back to it. What do you want? Me to draw out what happened for you? Just go away. I really wanted Carl Jung to be correct as I’m a real INFJ. That I’d magically heal if my traumatic memories came back to me. But I wish. He instructed it not to be medicated for the process to be complete. I’m not strong enough for that. Only 1% of people survive the process of individuation. I’m too broken to manage that. Hemingway didn’t survive it. He went through it too. Can I survive it for Hemingway? I don’t know. Hemingway wasn’t an INFJ-t like me though. Only INFJ’s can make it through the portal. But am I ready? Do I medicate it? Or do I suffer in silence waiting for the transformation to be complete? I wish I wasn’t an INFJ sometimes. But I had to be didn’t I.