CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

I have no choice but to choose platonic relationships.

Falling in love with someone can make me seriously unwell, physically and mentally. It’s dangerous. Seriously dangerous hence I don’t want my recent ex to think it was him. I liked him a lot, loved him but wasn’t in love with him. I had to protect myself from this crisis in some way.

I never had a choice. I haven’t. Since 2018.

I studied psychology before it happened. The brain change.

I wish I didn’t. But then I’d be in a worse position than I am now if I didn’t know.

Even with medication, it’s still dangerous. I wish I could say it’s not. But even with my level of awareness I just couldn’t risk becoming unwell.

CPTSD crises also activates at the end of relationships, as opposed to during. Which complicates things. Usually you have to find another rescuer to feel “safe” or be completely alone. Those are your only two options.

My brain is complicated. It was tortured at a young age.

But valuing life so much and always fearing death since a young child is torturous. I need a positive manipulative person to try and reset my brain. If people can psychologically abuse others negatively, can they psychologically abuse positively? I don’t know.

Apparently to get over your fears you need to face them.

My biggest fear is falling in love.

I can’t do that again.

I was broken before. I just had to accept it. That’s why I’m okay alone.

It’s the only way to stabilise. It was. I’m not so sure about now. I still haven’t come out the PTSD attacks yet.

I have no issues exposing myself, if that makes others happy, but my decisions are based solely on life experiences. Not malice. I keep myself out of trouble: I need to avoid being truthfully in love.

Completely.

Honestly. My brain would never survive. If you knew what was at stake by allowing me to fall for someone again, it would be a mistake.

It would kill me.

I have to be alone. Unfortunately.