CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

I have a meeting at my university next week. I went through this in 2018 when I was abused by that one man. I was taken off my course and it was disguised as “Are you sure you’re well enough to study?” Why should I come off a course for being abused psychologically and couldn’t defend myself? They were more worried of their self-image. That’s why 1 in 8 women in England are traumatised and it’s a national emergency. Okay. The man who did it to me in 2018 has power and influence. He’s probably made a few phone calls to the university. You may as well leave it if you’re reading this – you’re not my priority. I’m mad at you for what you did. I know you were suffering with BPD. You’re an INFP. I am an INFJ. It took me a while to figure out – but when it manifests differently in men it causes problems and severe consequences if not well controlled and him being 20 years older than me meant that he knew how to destroy a young woman. Well, he succeeded. It made him happy. Satisfied. God only knows why he even bothered.

I was just more mad work covered up my PTSD because I could have got the right help for it in 2018 as I now have 14 physical conditions since 2018 on my medical records associated with standardised PTSD because of a 43 year old man instead of wasting my life reacting against what he did. Give it a rest, I know you’re watching me. It’s done. Just forget about it. You took everything away before, you don’t need to do it again. How did I know he had BPD? Because my mother did it to me too. Unacknowledged is dangerous. When they have awareness of it, they can become good people – both an NPD and a BPD. BPD is considered a form of PTSD. I believe that. This man was in the army and it explained why he was attracted to me when he read my medical records as it was a healthcare environment and thought I was like him. So did I, for a while. Then the mental health team sat me down a few months ago and said “You’ve never had BPD.” You’ve always had CPTSD. I knew that. Believe me, they’re not the same thing. Only the spiritual crisis is the same.

It’s a therapy for me. I am only alone because I have difficulty studying, reading, switch tasks, disorganised, but also like a routine and that causes a tennis match in my mind. I’ve needed specialist support in my education since I was a child. It was harder to obtain that support at first when I moved so I left it until I hit a crisis. Now I’m thankful for the support that is coming in place.

I lost everything I ever had at the age of 26. My home, my career, my life, my friends, job, education, family, basically ….. everything. Once you lose everything that ever mattered to you, it doesn’t matter what people think of you. Life is too short for that.