CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

Even if I was still in love with my recent ex, I know I can’t be with him.

He’s a reminder of a caregiver that caused emotional abuse growing up, although I know it was unintentional, because people with ADHD never received support when they were younger and it would upset my dad very much if he knew my brain changed in childhood because of how him and my mum was. My recent ex is a trigger, so we have to see each other spaced out and when I’m stable enough as I didn’t notice it at the time.

I can’t risk ever having a relationship again. I don’t want to put more pressure on my already traumatised brain. If I was to have a relationship it would have to be with someone without ADHD and stable enough to understand CPTSD. That’s why I’ve always had relationships with men in power like army men and military men. They ground me. Well they did when I was 17. A few. My first boyfriend was US military. But it wasn’t a healthy relationship. I enjoyed times on base though watching the planes and playing beer pong. He got sent home by the air base and I never found out why. He just randomly stopped talking to me one day. He did pick me up from school in my school uniform though. I was very mature back then.

I don’t dislike the man who triggered it all back though, there was a reason I couldn’t return to England. Unfortunately, the local council keep trying. I was sent here to be safe.

It’s very simple logic. Now I have to go to court in a month to have PTSD attacks in front of them. To prove I was eligible for PIP in 2018. Yes I was. I just didn’t receive the help I needed at the time and was let down by the DWP PIP, NHS England, and everyone else.

Maybe my PTSD wouldn’t have been so severe if I was helped when I kept asking for it in 2018. I tried lots of times.