CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

I recently encountered a significant external trigger with my local authority who I asked if they can house me because of my DESNOS.

Instead, they decided to belittle me and called me and said “I called the police on you, and your GP” – extremely sarcastically, I might add. I sent them an email and said “If you’re going to bully someone, please don’t bully someone who has experienced significant prolonged trauma. I’ve never been in trouble with the police in my life. There’s been occasions I have done reckless things – but who hasn’t? I think we would all be in prison if we all admitted our faults – let’s face it. I reported them for a hate crime – used one of their own policies against them. Because it was. Or my CPTSD wouldn’t have been triggered. That’s how I know when people are intentionally harming me. It’s both a gift and a curse.

I also have what is formally known as Asperger’s Syndrome and ADHD. ADHD presents differently in women and girls – we tend to be more creative and our hyperactivity manifests as racing thoughts. People are unable to keep up with my level of thinking process – that’s the beauty of neurodivergence.

I never knew that a local authority could bring someone down for fighting to be alone so she can build a routine which helps the Autism and ADHD, so she could study her degree in peace and focus on her creativity as a therapy.

I wanted to end my relationship about three years ago. Not because of him, but because I knew what had happened to me previously, and I knew if I was to stay in a relationship, no matter how healthy, my nervous system would react to it, because of the abuse I experienced in childhood. No one would ever understand that. I think that’s why when the older man who emotionally abused me in my adulthood took that final hope from me. I was doing well before that. I just never had a voice at the time.

Luckily for me, the police were respectful, honest, nice to me. They know what I am going through as have a small portion of my history and said I need to get a letter from my GP and CPN/Social Work because housing want to see “evidence”. Evidence? You want to see 800 pages of childhood trauma so profound that I shouldn’t even be alive? Is that what you want me to do? Re-experience and re-traumatise over and over again? I was declined disability benefits in England because of my level of IQ. Even my university want evidence of me being sectioned and finding out I was suffering from CPTSD since childhood, and PTSD since 2018, and ADHD/ASD since birth – although the ADHD hasn’t been confirmed yet – it will do. It’s hard to pick up when the CPTSD and PTSD masks it. I have to keep re-traumatising myself to keep these institutions satisfied.

Did they hear something different about me? Be careful – you may have heard it from someone who would do anything to break me down or see me suffer.

I attract emotional vampires. They radiate towards me. If people knew what DESNOS really was, it would destroy everything they thought they knew about trauma and mental health.

An external trigger can send us into an unprecedented spiritual crisis. We are unable to have or experience any forms of intentional abuse that jeopardises our safety – because that formed our illness. We have to be careful. Why do people think I try and stay away? It’s not weakness, it’s strength in disguise.

Everyone intentionally hurts me in life. I’m used to it.