CPTSD/Disorders of extreme stress not otherwise specified

I like being single, consumed in my own thoughts in both its bitterness and glory.

Relationships are difficult. Not because I want them to be, but because I will experience multiple physical symptoms when I’m in a relationship and not experiencing my separate PTSD attacks.

I don’t make friends with anyone at university, mostly because I’ve always been damaged and broken beyond repair.

I first started experiencing PTSD attacks in 2018. I worked for two years and remained single, did not form many friendships at work and kept myself to myself until one day, he came along. I call him he, because he targeted me specifically.

I was clueless at the time what he was doing. I fell into the manipulation very easily. Little by little he was breaking me down psychologically until one day my brain changed – quite suddenly. I experienced my first full on PTSD attacks at the same time and it was nothing like I ever had experienced. I had my very first anger outbursts, sweating, a headache that was so painful I thought I had a type of brain tumour and booked the opticians, mixed with profound bipolar rapid cycling style mood swings. I mean, who was going to believe me? I was fighting to survive in that moment. I wish I never trusted him. I just thought at the time with him being twenty years older than me he would be more mature – but he lied to me. He told me he was single when he wasn’t and I was just another one of his flying monkeys or puppets on a string. My relationships with men have always been a case of Who can hurt Natalie the most?

That’s why nothing surprises me anymore.

I think some men, not all, but some – like to break us apart. I wish I stayed single – it’s less hassle.